By Erin Goodwin

Oh, the ever elusive purpose.

If you have spent hours listening to podcasts, reading online articles, and meditating with the goal of finding out why exactly you are here, you are not alone. I have been on a mission to figure out my purpose, and how to make money while doing it, for at least two years. I tried making money by offering tarot readings, (unsolicited) relationship advice, angel card readings, manifestation coaching, dharma coaching, astrology, tantra, psychology, writing… 2021 was a busy year.

Some of us hear the tantalizing call of our soul’s purpose from the word ‘go’, with a clarity and pull that cannot be ignored. But, some of us flounder in the deep end of possibilities, unsure which way is up and which way is down.

For many years, my sole intention was to get into corporate, to make money, and be rich. A simple, yet effective strategy. The concept of purpose, of being of service to the world, and doing work that inspired me, never crossed my mind. For me, work wasn’t synonymous with a deeper calling, with sharing my innate talents and passions in a way that served my community. Work was purely a means to manifest the kind lifestyle that I thought I wanted. But, when Covid threw me off of my linear path, I took the time to really get to know myself, and my core desires. I realized that corporate was definitely not for me, and that my heart longed to work in a way that I actually enjoyed. I wanted connection with my colleagues, to work for someone (or myself) who was changing the world, to be paid for doing something that I loved, to be offered the space to be creative, and above all else, to be offered the freedom to live my life how I wanted.

So, with my heart’s desires in my mind, I got to work. I inundated my ears and eyes with information about Dharma, sacred purpose, how to find it, and how to get paid for it. As soon as I found something new that interested me, I immediately tried to make a career out of it. I threw every metaphorical piece of spaghetti at the wall, hoping that one would stick. I was convinced that if I tried hard enough, while simultaneously ‘surrendering’ hard enough, the Universe would open the heavens and drop a neatly wrapped box that contained my purpose into my lap, along with a clear and concise manual for how to bring it to life. I bargained, I pleaded, I begged, I pushed, I cried, I pretended to give up, but nothing came. The heavens did not open, and my lap remained empty.

Purpose was a tantalizing mirage and I was a dehydrated traveller. No matter how hard I chased it, it always seemed just out of reach. I watched the people I knew and loved launch businesses, form careers, go back to school, and I was distraught (and incurably jealous). I felt like I had failed. At one point, I even resigned myself to the fact that I was here to make money doing nothing (truly, I even started a GoFundMe page - albeit unsuccessfully). It was a difficult time. I spent a year unemployed, praying that I would find something that would light me up.

Looking back, I know why I needed that time to myself. I learned some valuable lessons, and I was forced to live without the distraction of the hustle and bustle that lay beyond my carefully cocooned life. I realized that I couldn’t manipulate life into giving me what I’m not ready for. I started to realize that purpose is not necessarily synonymous with career, and that if I love to sing or give tarot card readings, that I can do these things just because I enjoy them. I realized that purpose is multifaceted, and I now know that a part of my purpose is to connect and love deeply, to experience joy, and to make time for play. I am grateful for the wisdom that came in the stillness, even if it was challenging and uncomfortable.

Bit by bit, I am making peace with the fact that some of us came here to create careers out of our passions, and some of us came here to embody our purposes in other areas of our lives. Maybe through volunteering, or our commitment to ourselves, or the way we show up in the world. I am realizing that purpose is ever changing, it can be one thing today, and another tomorrow. Some of us have a purpose that expresses itself through one neat career, and some of us have a multitude of different purposes that show up to serve specific needs, purposes that gently fade away as needs are fulfilled and new purposes ask to be expressed. I love to think of the singer Kelis (think ‘my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’), who went back to school to become a chef, after a successful career in the music industry.

Once I had the time to integrate and accept that right now might not be the time for a passion-filled career, I got to work again. I opened myself up to whatever job the Universe threw my way, and gave myself permission to create a fulfilling life outside of my work. The funny thing is that once I let go of control, I found a job that gave me the freedom to express my creativity, to connect with my colleagues, and to work for someone who is changing the world. Right now, part of my purpose may be being of service through my creative expression. In a few years, the ways that I serve the world may shift and change - I may even become a tarot card reader, you never know.

And so, as you make peace with your purpose, and create a life that fills you up, know that I am remotely holding space for you and whatever form, or formless shape your purpose may take. You got this.