Narrative Self vs. Experiential Self

By Jenna Starkey and Erin Goodwin

"Mindfulness lets experience be the teacher” - Jack Kornfield.

When I think about enhancing my fulfillment, or my clients’ fulfillment, I check in with the Narrative Self and the Experiential Self. We all have a Narrative Self and an Experiential Self, and these two selves meld together to form the colorful menagerie of consciousness and felt experience. The Narrative Self and Experiential Self bring our experiences texture and meaning, and I love tapping into both facets of my inner world. But, I have noticed that when I am not tapping into BOTH of them in a way that serves me, my personal fulfillment feels skewed. Does this ring true for you as well?

Let’s explore…

When I think of the Experiential Self, I think of taking a bubble bath. I envision sitting in my bubble bath, feeling connected to my bliss. As I submerge myself in the warm water and fragrant smells, my muscles sink more and more deeply into relaxation. With each full breath I notice my tension and stories bubble up to the surface, to be gently carried away by the steam drifting off the water. This is when I feel most connected to my Experiential Self.

Although at this point, my Narrative Self usually likes to join the experience to congratulate me for honoring my needs. “Good job, this will definitely make me feel more relaxed.” It says with a contented sigh…

But wait.

Suddenly, it sits up, "How do I know that this will make me feel more relaxed? What proof do I have? Sometimes I experience blissed-out 10/10 relaxation, and other times I experience, like, 5/10 relaxation. Sometimes I have trouble relaxing at all...”

Society tends to reinforce and reward the analytical/narrative self - the part of us that speaks to us all day in monologues, narrating our experiences while simultaneously trying to understand them. We tend to overly rely on and listen to our Narrative Selves, at the expense of connecting with our Experiential selves.

The mind can easily misinterpret what is being felt - it can struggle to discern between what is being experienced in the present moment, versus what it thinks it is experiencing based on passed experiences I find that there tends to be a discrepancy between what my Experiential Self is experiencing, and what my Narrative Self is telling me I am experiencing: one part of me says one thing, and the other part of me says something different.

It’s clear to me when my clients are leaning on their Narrative Selves, because when I ask them who they are, they start describing what they do or what they’ve done. They may tell me that they have graduated from a good school, or that they are currently employed at an awesome company. They describe being a lover of hard work, or being happily married, or being a passionate artist. We are so used to being on autopilot about who we are, that we don’t notice when we have started believing the stories we tell about ourselves.

Our inner stories have the power to hijack our lived experiences and obscure what is really happening. Our bodies may intuit safety while our minds argue otherwise, or our bodies may send us warning signals while our minds convince us not to listen. Think of being riddled with burnout and guilt for not following your heart’s passions, but telling yourself that feeling so overly stretched is normal and that everyone else feels this way too.

My antidote to over reliance on the Narrative self is mindfulness - the continual practice of coming back to the present moment. Mindfulness training helps the mind to gradually shift over from hyper focussing on the Narrative self’s monologues, to "experiential attention” - being tapped into the senses and the bodies’ felt experience. When we experience mindful moments, being fully present in the here and now, we allow the moment be what it is, without being swept up by our projections or engulfed by our ideas of how the moment ought to be. When we practice mindfulness, we notice our stories, but we also allow the space to stay connected to our bodies and hearts, and to be fully engaged in our immediate environment. Think about heart centered, connected moments, like holding an adorable puppy or a precious baby (shout out to my baby nephew, I love you!). In these moments, when we feel connected to our experiences and our hearts, our stories don’t have time to be told. Moments of mindfulness offer a much-needed break from the automatic narrative trance we’re accustomed to listening to.

At this point, you might be wondering if I believe that the Experiential Self is better than the Narrative Self. The answer is a resounding ‘no’.

Listen, the truth is that we can also be fooled by the Experiential Self if we overly rely on it. A hyper focus on the Experiential Self gives the emotions and felt experiences the power to define who we are and how we show up. We become absorbed by pain, or discomfort, or even lust, and bliss. We may indulge in eating a box of donuts or staying up late to binge TV whenever we feel like it, even when it doesn’t serve us.

If we over identify with the Experiential Self, it’s easy to lose sight of the beauty of who we are and who we want to be. The value of staying connected to the Narrative Self lies in its invitation to choose an authentic identity every day. The Narrative Self offers us the opportunity to live from our core values, instead of living from our fears, or discomfort. If we always live in the Experiential Self, we lose sight of the actions that we need to take to embody who we want to be.

So, the Narrative Self isn’t better than the Experiential Self, and vice versa. The mind’s capacity for storytelling and analyzing shows the staggering power of human consciousness, and the felt experience gives so much texture and color to everyday life. Both are valuable, both are important.

I’ve come to believe that in order to get the most out of life, we need to live in the Venn Diagram’s overlap between the Experiential Self and the Narrative Self. That way, we can be wide awake to who we want to be (Narrative Self), while appreciating the beauty of where we are right now (Experiential Self). If we don’t live in the overlap of the Narrative Self and the Experiential Self, we swing back and forth, like a pendulum, overwhelmingly feeling in one moment, and consumed by our stories the next. When we take both parts of us into consideration, there is an equilibrium that we can feel into and use to design our lives in a way that serves us. That my friend, is where fulfillment lies.

As always, dancing in the space of equilibrium is not a destination that is reached through perfection. It is not a space that, once we enter, we never leave. Finding equilibrium is a practice. A practice that we can lean on whenever we find ourselves grasping onto the pendulum, swinging back and forth.

My hope is that you will develop the capacity to notice which of the two selves is speaking to you throughout your day, and over the broader landscape of your life. To claim what is true for you, and leave behind the rest.

In closing, I want to check in with you:

What stories are you telling yourself about your life with how you are actually feeling?

What would your life look like if you lived in the overlap of the Narrative Self and Experiential Self?