Thoughts on Motherhood So Far

Everyone asks, "What is it like?" I'm not sure why I'm surprised that each time my answer genuinely sounds something like: "Fulfilling." "In purpose." "Present." "Tender." "Meaningful." "Sweet as hell."

I'm acutely aware that motherhood is not for everyone. So many of my closest friends have opted out of motherhood for intuitive, thoughtful, and very true reasons. For me, I knew I wanted to be a mother from a very young age. I'm one of those women who has always been 100% sure.

The thing that's surprised me most (ha, there's so much that's surprised me actually, but I'll start here) is how naturally both my husband and I have gravitated towards cosleeping. Sure, it started because both me and my baby were repelled by the Snoo. My husband calls us analog people. But in truth, it's because we all sleep deeply together.

I went through the whole "will I roll over my baby?" phase and quickly realized bears don't roll over their cubs, so why would I? Of course, there's a whole protocol for safe sleeping with a baby that I take very seriously (see books below). But overall, his nervous system and sweet little delicate body feels so much safer curled under his mama’s arm, than a robot bassinet every will.

And so my journey in attachment-focused, responsive, and intuitive parenting has commenced. I draw connections between my anxious attachment style and my childhood. One of my first memories is of being left in my crib to cry it out. People think it's weird that I can remember that far back, but I can picture it as clear as day. I must have been a toddler because I remember standing up in my crib with my hands on the bars, crying and screaming for my parents. It looked and felt like prison. Not long after that, I had night terrors. Again, my beautiful, extremely loving, doting parents chose to encourage my independence so that I could fight the demons in my own bed alone. It was hell.

So fast forward to today at 37 years old with my new baby. I will not ever be touching a cry-it-out method. In fact, I will not be touching a sleep training method, period. My postpartum doula Clara, angel that she is, really heard me and understood the nature of how I wanted to parent. She guided me towards some incredible science-backed literature on infant sleep, and my oh my, was it eye-opening. It felt so aligned with my intuition and was like a warm hug in the storm of comments about how "sleep training changed my life." I have no doubt it's helped some families tremendously, and I understand the privilege I experience to be able to turn that away. It seems to me that sleep training was invented for the American work ethic. Why are we the only culture that insists on not sleeping with our little cubs? Bizarre.

Below are some books that brought me great comfort in the order that I read them:

I returned to part-time work at home two weeks ago. By far the hardest part is hearing my 4-month-old cry in the other room as he gets used to his new caregiver for half of the day. I got so lucky finding a mother's helper on UrbanSitter who is also a mama. She knows exactly how to soothe him, sing to him, change him, wear him in the carrier, and even shares tips that help me along the way.

I'll keep updating this blog with new thoughts as they unfold. I've been wanting a space to process what I'm experiencing and maybe help other new mamas down the line.

Reach out if you want to connect - I'm here in the trenches with you.

Jenna StarkeyComment