Thoughts on Motherhood So Far

Everyone asks, "What is it like?" I'm not sure why I'm surprised that each time my answer genuinely sounds something like: "Fulfilling." "In purpose." "Present." "Tender." "Meaningful." "Sweet as hell."

I'm acutely aware that motherhood is not for everyone. So many of my closest friends have opted out of motherhood for intuitive, thoughtful, and very true reasons. For me, I knew I wanted to be a mother from a very young age. I'm one of those women who has always been 100% sure.

The thing that's surprised me most (ha, there's so much that's surprised me actually … I could write a novel about breastfeeding alone … but I'll start here) is how naturally both my husband and I have gravitated towards cosleeping. Sure, it started when both my baby and I ugly cried the first time we tried the Snoo—the wildly popular, wildly expensive smart bassinet. Something in my hormonal, postpartum gut told me I was outsourcing the nurturing that only I could give. I am absolutely in support of anyone who chooses to use it. I know it’s been game changing for several of my close mama friends. My husband calls us analog people. But in truth, it's because we all sleep so happily and deeply together without it.

I’m not gonna lie, I judged our close friends who chose to cosleep. I had the perception that it just was simply not safe. I went through the "will I roll over my baby?" phase and quickly realized bears don't roll over their cubs, so why would I? I also saw my older brother, who has always been a role model of mine, chose not to cosleep because he also felt it was unsafe. Of course, there's a whole protocol for safe sleeping with a baby that I take very seriously (see books below). However overall, my baby’s nervous system and sweet little delicate body feels so much safer curled under his mama’s arm, than a rocking digital bassinet. I was so open and willing to make the Snoo work for us, but it just didn’t feel right.

And so my journey (obsession?) into attachment-focused, responsive, and intuitive parenting began. I draw connections between my anxious attachment style and my childhood. One of my first memories is of being left in my crib to cry it out. People think it's hard to believe that I can remember that far back, but I can picture it as clear as day. I must have been a toddler because I remember standing up in my crib with my hands on the bars, crying and screaming for my parents. It looked and felt like prison. Not long after that, I started getting persistent night terrors. Again, my beautiful, extremely loving, doting parents chose to encourage my independence so that I could fight the demons in my own bed alone. It was hell.

So fast forward to today at 37 years old with my new baby (along with many other sensitive, all too informed millennials) I will be staying clear of any semblance of cry-it-out. I read from some influencer on Instagram that our fears around cosleeping are ill informed projections. I’m not convinced that’s true, but I appreciate the perspective. My postpartum doula Clara, angel that she is, really heard me and understood the nature of how I wanted to parent. She guided me towards some incredible science-backed literature on infant sleep, and my oh my, was it eye-opening. It felt so aligned with my intuition and was like a warm hug in the storm of comments about how "sleep training changed my life." I have no doubt it's helped some families tremendously, and I understand the privilege I experience to be able to turn that away. It seems to me that sleep training was invented for the American work ethic. Why are we the only culture that insists on not sleeping with our little cubs? It makes me sad. My favorite part of parenthood so far is sleeping closely with my baby all night long. My husband and I also haven’t complained once about sleep because of it.

Below are some books that brought me great comfort in the order that I read them:

I returned to part-time work at home two weeks ago. By far the hardest part is hearing my 4-month-old cry in the other room as he gets used to his new caregiver for half of the day, as to be expected by my cry-it-it out sensitivity. However, I got so so lucky finding a mother's helper on UrbanSitter who also happens to be a newish mama. She knows exactly how to soothe him, sing to him, change him, wear him in the carrier, and even shares tips that help me along the way. I look forward to their bond growing as time goes on, but it sure is hard to hand my baby to anyone else in these early days.

I'll keep updating this blog with new thoughts as they unfold. I've been wanting a space to process what I'm experiencing and maybe help other new mamas down the line.

Reach out if you want to connect - I'm here in the trenches with you.

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Are you a new mama navigating your own re-entry? I made something for you.

The Re-Entry, Coaching for New Mamas
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