What To Do When You're Feeling Activated
By Erin Goodwin and Jenna Starkey
Being a human is a crazy wild ride sometimes.
We all have moments (big and small) when we feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, irritated or (fill in the blank). The kinds of moments that can leave our nervous system feeling dysregulated, ungrounded and disconnected.
Though we usually use the word ‘triggered’ to describe these kinds of feelings, I've been experimenting with using the term ‘activated’ instead. According to the Polyvagal Equine Institute: “to be activated implies the ability to deactivate.” This reframe has helped me to see sticky emotions in a neutral way, to stop myself from jumping to conclusions about my emotional experience or labelling it as bad or wrong.
When we are feeling activated our first impulse can be to run and hide, act out or to use coping methods that ultimately aren’t good for us in the long run, and bringing ourselves back into embodiment can feel hard or impossible.
The purpose of any self-development pursuit is, in my opinion, not to ‘heal’ to the point of overcoming sadness, frustration, anger or anxiety. To me, it’s about learning how to be with these kinds of emotions in integrity and discovering the tools that bring you back into your body when you’ve noticed yourself drift away.
When we can learn how to regulate our emotions and take meaningful action from a space of calm, we are tapping into the essence of change.
As much as we might wish that we could live in a world where we don’t have to experience dysregulation or pain, these are necessary parts of being a human.
As Brene Brown says, we can’t selectively numb.
If we want to experience those full-bodied, ecstatic moments, we have to learn how to hold the really low, anxiety inducing, on-the-floor moments too.
When we feel dysregulated or overwhelmed, the executive functioning and executive decision making areas of our brain switch off. We aren’t thinking about what we can do to regulate ourselves or which behaviours will support us long-term. We are focussed on getting out of the experience as quickly as possible. This might mean turning to food, Netflix, wine or whatever pattern or substance your brain habitually turns to in moments of stress.
Having tools on hand for those challenging moments helps us get to a space of calm with more ease, because we don’t need to think about it too much. Below are some of my favorite practices for calming my nervous system - to get you inspired for putting together your own tool belt.
As always, take what serves you and leave the rest.
My favorite tools for my toolbelt
Embodiment: I love movement and embodiment as a way of moving through emotions that feel heavy or stuck - anything that gets me out of my mind and into my body. Movement helps us to use up the cortisol our bodies created by the stress response, which is great for long term health. Some of my go to’s are gentle swaying, going for a walk with a podcast, moving my ribcage in circles, putting on some music and dancing, or pigeon pose to deepen into my hips.
Breathwork: There are a variety of breathwork techniques that are specifically designed for regulating the Nervous System (see the resources linked below for my breathwork and meditation recs.) Some useful techniques are box breathing (4 counts in, 4 counts hold, 4 counts out), deep breathes with long exhales (long exhales calm your Nervous System) or, my assistant Erin’s personal favorite, two big sips of air through the nose, hold for 5 counts and breathe out through the mouth in a long exhale.
Acupuncture: I discovered group community acupuncture years ago when I lived in Seattle and was so delighted to find an affordable healing practice that could help me move energy so simply. I’ve been making my community acupuncture practice back in San Francisco more regular lately since finding SF Community Acupuncture on Valencia. The practice is helping me move through some big life transitions with more grace. I love being able to tell my practitioner every irregularity going on for me, from emotional triggers, to digestion, to mental fog. Every session, I leave feeling more open and centered as the chi settles through my body. To me, acupuncture is such a beautiful healing way to wake up the body’s natural ability to heal itself.
Mantras: I love telling myself things like "I'm proud of you" or “Your feelings are valid” when I am feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes all we need to diffuse interal tension is someone to tell us that we deserve to feel how we feel, or that we are right to feel how we feel. The great news is that we can give ourselves this affirmation and validation. Pay attention to the moments when you try to convince yourself out of your experience.
Validating your experience doesn’t mean you have the green light to act out. Take a pause and respond when you are feeling grounded again.
Cooling down/warming up: Imagine cooling/melting/thawing down an inflamed or frozen state. Wait about 20 minutes and pair this with deep breaths.
Practicing compassion and sending love: Self compassion is an active choice. In those moments of activation when you notice your inner vice berating you or saying mean things, try to practice compassion. Put your hand on your heart and send love, compassion and understanding through your body. The part of you who feels activated deserves to feel loved, safe and cared for too.
Once you feel regulated, you can also send compassion and love to any other people who were in involved. There’s no need to rush this. You may not have capacity to have compassion for the other person yet. Wait until it feels authentic and real - which might mean processing some emotion or pain you have toward this person first.
Attachment theory: A few months ago a client shared the book "The Courage to Be Disliked" with me, and there was a line in there that really resonated with me. It said, "most problems are interpersonal problems." Attachment theory is all about how our early attachments impact the way we connect with others as adults. There is a wealth of attachment theory information out there and we can use it to foster calm, safe and meaningful relationships. Knowing how to build these kinds of relationships can reduce a lot of relational stress, and help us to identify what activated us in the first place. See the resources below for an Instagram account that shares tips for the different attachment styles in moments of stress and conflict, and how to embody a more secure attachment style.
I like to think of self discovery as a continuous process
With every new cycle we get to peel back deeper layers, meet different parts of ourselves and find new points of focus. It’s about getting to know yourself, all parts of yourself. The sticky parts, the flowing parts, and the parts you'd rather hide in the unpopulated corners of your mind. No bad parts as they say.
Feeling activated is normal. We live in a fast-paced world with all different kinds of stressors. The key here is to have tools, practices and resources that support you in bringing you home.
If you try out any of the tools I suggested, don’t be afraid to reach out. I love hearing from you :)
Resources
For all my breathwork and meditation recommendations, click here
For simple, effective and free Nervous System tools, check out Jen Mann’s reels on Instagram. I love her! She is a Nervous System Practitioner and the founder of a Nervous System healing school. She has a host of video practices that only take a few minutes :)
For embodiment, dancing and cycle syncing, check out Aimee-Jean Greenacre’s Instagram page. She shares fun recipes, dancing practices and tips for living in flow.
For all things attachment theory, Check out Julie Mennano’s Instagram account. Julie is a psychotherapist who shares tips for developing secure relationships, and helpful information on the different attachment styles.