10 Things I Learned During A Silent Retreat
By Jenna Starkey and Erin Goodwin
Stillness, meditation and silence have become some of my greatest teachers.
As an Enneagram type 7 with ADD, it’s easy for me to get distracted by what the world has to offer - I love squeezing the most out of life, experiencing play and fun and joy. In the past, discomfort, pain and dis-ease haven’t been feeling states I have prioritized sitting in. I prioritized emotional states that felt good, and discarded what lay beneath the surface of my pain and discomfort - my truth and my purpose.
Now, sitting in stillness and meditation is a priority for me. It allows me to connect with the core of who I am, to see what is and isn’t working and to be with the parts of me that need my attention. Over time, I have built a tolerance for discomfort, and the more I expand and learn how to sit with myself, the more I realize how important it is to prioritize silence and presence in order to experience fulfillment.
Because fulfillment exists right here in this humble moment.
We all could use the space to sink a little deeper, to allow the snow globes of our minds to settle, to see what lies beneath the busyness and distraction. When I learned that the pre-requisite for my 2 year mindfulness and meditation teacher training with Tara Brach was a 6 day Vipassana at Spirit Rock in West Marin County, California - I squeeled with joy. It’s a big deal to be in silence for a whole week. It’s scary. I don’t know that I would have been incentivized to do it so soon if I wasn’t pushed. Growing up in the Bay Area, I’ve always been drawn to the rolling hills in Marin. It’s surrounded by stunning nature, redwood trees, soaring birds, deer, bunnies, frogs, creeks, and views of the Bay and Pacific Ocean. The theme of my retreat happened to be called “Earth Awareness and Being”. It felt so kismet to step into this theme at this season of my life. I’ve been yearning for spaciousness, especially so as we come out of the pandemic. My experience was so rich with wisdom and I’m excited to share some takeaways with you, while reminding myself so I don’t forget.
What I learned during my 6 days of silence and stillness:
“The most important journey you’ll ever take is the 11 or so inches from the head to the heart”
Our minds are incredible tools for reasoning and logic. We need our minds to consider alternatives and to brainstorm, to create action plans and routes to our goals, but when we spend too much time in our minds, it’s easy to get sucked into rumination and overthinking.
The remedy for fear, for thinking in circles and overwhelm is to connect with compassion and love - to sink a little deeper and immerse ourselves with the part of us is connected to an insurmountable amount of love.
Your heart is your place of refuge. It’s where compassion and love and tolerance live. Connect with it often.
Here are the 4 Bramaviharas to Practice accessing the heart:
1. Meta (loving kindness, friendliness, benevolence)
2. Karuna (compassion. Being in the suffering with)
3. Mudita (unexpected joy in nature)
4. Upekkah (equanimity)
Savor the small moments.
Realizing this stood out profoundly and inspired my word of the year - savor.
We often live our lives in the big moments - in landing dream jobs and finding dream partners, in buying big houses or moving to countries that make our hearts sing. These moments are beautiful and deserve to celebrated - but they can also be few and far between.
There is so much magic that can be experienced right here, right now - in the small moments you might not notice: the joy in the morning cup of coffee, the feeling of sunshine on your skin when you’re on a walk, the smell of flowers or freshly cut grass, the feeling of hugging someone you care about.
Fulfillment is finding the pieces of joy and wonder that live in the mundane - the pieces of everyday moments that fly by so fast they’re easy to miss.
We are nature.
Nature is incredible. The way it moves through seasons, the way it dances with itself to create new life. It always seems to have everything it needs to not only survive but to thrive. I truly felt during this retreat that we are of this Earth - we are molded from earth and clay, we are born from water, and that same water runs through our veins. Just like nature, we are created from the same perfection as a tree or a flower.
We have everything we need to thrive already inside us.
Your breathe and body scans can ground you deeply. Perfect them.
The beauty in being a part of this Earth is that we have tools to ground ourselves already on and inside of us - our bodies and our breath.
There is a sanskrit proverb that says “for breath is life, and if you breathe well, you will live long on this Earth.” Think of your body and your breath as a beautiful beach or a lush forest. Connect with it regularly, and feel the freshness of walking barefoot.
Meditation helps you notice more.
During the Vipassana, we meditated a lot. I noticed that extending my meditations from 15 minutes a day to 30 or even 45 minutes x 3 per day was life changing.
Every day I slowed and deepened my practice, I grew to notice twice as much around me. I noticed the details in the trees, the energy of the people around me, the bunnies in the bushes, the ribbons of fog wrapping differently around the hills. It stunned me how beautiful the world around me grew as I slowed and grew patient.
If you’re feeling called to extend your meditations - start small - you don’t need to go for a straight 45 minutes. Add an extra 5 minutes of stillness, and see how your mind settles and awareness expands. Have fun, be playful. My favorite anchor is to notice unexpected joys in nature. They are all around you.
We communicate so much without words.
Energy is real. I spent 6 days in silence picking up on other’s energy and for the most part it was all so positive - even if I could experience someone in grief. Pay attention to the energy you pick up on. What you feel is real, even when you can’t put it into words.
95% of our problems are interpersonal.
Having fulfilling and peaceful relationships are paramount to living a fulfilling life (many studies that follow cohorts of people throughout their lives report that people who experience healthy and fulfilling relationships have the most satisfying lives). Without interpersonal drama, energy shifts - things feel calmer, life feels more full.
Prioritize connecting in a deep and meaningful way often. Prioritize learning the skills and tools to have successful relationships.
Letting go will give you peace.
“If you let go a little you will get a little peace. If you let go a lot you will get a lot of peace. If you let go completely you will get complete peace.” - a quote our yoga teacher repeated twice throughout the retreat. It really resonated. It is so easy to fall into the pattern of controlling and hyper-focusing - trust me, I know.
There is an abundance of peace to be felt in letting go of what we can’t control. Letting go of control doesn’t mean inaction, it means being honest with ourselves and putting our energy into things we can control, rather than fixating on the things we can’t.
Zoom out. Equanimity lives there.
When you find yourself getting caught up in the minutiae of every day problems and missing the big picture, imagine space and endless galaxies to help frame your challenges. Give yourself the space to see that things will change. Remember that this is just one moment in time. This is where the word Upekkah comes from, which means Equinimity. It was the name of my cabin at the retreat. It was a beautiful healing focus for me.
Sacredness exists wherever you choose for it to be.
Making life sacred helps transform our most absurd challenges into something more - and the beauty of life is that we can make anything sacred. Your nighttime routine can be transformed into a scared ritual, your coffee with a friend can become a sacred circle for connection and inspiration.
You are an embodiment of the sacredness of life. Allow yourself to be inspired.
Taking the time to be in silence and stillness is profound. I have come home from my first silent retreat with a renewed sense of what I need and how I need to get there, and I have connected with some incredible women who I plan to stay in touch with in the future.
If you are on the fence or thinking about attending a silent retreat feel free to reach out - I’d be more than happy to answer any of your questions.
With love,
Jenna