The Art of Acceptance
By Erin Goodwin and Jenna Starkey
The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.
- Pema Chodron (When things fall apart)
Oh, the sweet practice of acceptance.
How human it is to find this such a difficult concept.
For many of us who are in pursuit of something greater, whether it be more joy, less anxiety, more love, a job, a partner, a home or a family, or none of the above, we often come up against the discomfort of being where we are. We experience fear of things not changing, frustration at the pace of things that are changing and admonishment when we notice ourselves falling back into old patterns and behaviors.
Sometimes the journey is long and challenging and other times it’s joyful, fun and full of sparkles. Over a lifetime we experience endless variations in our emotional experiences and so much change to our external environments that we could have never have predicted where we’ve ended up.
What I have learned over time is that one of the keys to living a fulfilling life is practicing the art of acceptance and accepting the way things are. But what does acceptance actually mean? And how do we practice acceptance in an authentic and embodied way without spiritually bypassing our discomfort?
How we do we face the anger, or sadness, or frustration that creeps up on us when we think of the way things are?
Why is acceptance helpful?
I don’t have the job yet. I don’t feel financially secure yet. I haven’t met my partner yet. My community doesn’t feel right yet. I don’t feel right yet.
I hear it constantly, more often that you’d think - the puzzle-out-of-place language in client dialogue.
Working as a fulfillment coach often means supporting people through transitions that will bring them more satisfaction in life. Sometimes these transitions are finding new jobs, repairing old relationships, finding new relationships, or committing to exercise routines. Sometimes I support my clients through transitions that are internal - like feeling less anxious, more loved, more successful or more at ease.
Some transitions happen quickly, with clear and attainable action steps that can be taken right now. But other transitions take more time, effort, commitment and way more action steps. That’s why I prioritize making sure my clients have the tools and practices to feel fulfilled right now.
We all have moments when we feel like the thing we want will never come, or moments when we worry that we will never feel totally fulfilled (honestly, no one feels 100% fulfilled all of the time anyway, but that’s beside the point). I would hedge a bet that any person you speak to on the street is experiencing, or has experienced, some kind of situation they wish was different or better or more.
One of the main ideas I like to teach is that fulfillment is about creating a life that you want to be present to right now. That means having the resilience to bravely be where you are and to cultivate the practices that fill you up in the present moment (rather than relying on some future thing or experience to make you happy).
Through our worry and fear for the future - and disdain for the past - we lose connection to the joy that is available to us right now, if we were to accept the way things are, if we were to only sink into the sweetness of it.
Striving is so human. We all crave better or more. But what if we could learn to be with and appreciate where we are (frustration, anger, sadness, longing and all), while also holding a vision for a more aligned and more fulfilling future?
Practicing acceptance allows you to be radically and compassionately honest with yourself, no sugar-coating or pretending. It allows you to see the truth of where you are without judgement which allows space for learning, and ultimately aligned action. Because once you understand where you are, you are more able to navigate out of it (if that’s what you want to do).
Once we have felt our feelings and regulated our nervous systems and felt at peace with what is and what isn’t, we are finally able to forgive ourselves for everything we did or didn’t do, appreciate the meaning and beauty of where we are and forgive others for everything they did or didn’t do too.
From this open space meaningful change can bloom.
Jenna’s working definition of acceptance
The definition of acceptance is different for everyone and I encourage you to find one that fits just right for you.
For me, acceptance is about being with all parts of our experience, even the challenging and uncomfortable ones. It’s about cultivating practices that facilitate a calm nervous system, so that you can feel regulated as you navigate the ups and downs of the human experience.
Acceptance means being present with yourself as you navigate the storms and thrashing tides - not glossing over the challenging bits or even the happy bits, but building the tolerance and capacity to be with all that life has to offer, no matter how badly you want to turn away.
Acceptance means allowing every thought, every feeling and every frustration to exist with a sense of calm and a sense of peace from within. From this space, you can take inspired action.
But Jenna, how do I practice acceptance?
I got you. Here are some embodied tools and practices I love for cultivating acceptance. In order to align our mind, we must integrate the body.
Practice 1: Visualization
Step 1: Close your eyes and place your hands on your heart.
Step 2: Notice your body: what feels pleasant or unpleasant in your body? What can relax? Maybe your shoulders or jaw or stomach? Shake out your hands and bring a gentle smile to your face or heart (not to cover over anything, simply to make space.)
Step 3: Notice your emotions. Notice where you feel them in you. Describe the emotions. Describe what they feel like. Maybe a bag of rocks, colorful ribbons, black mud, or flowing water? Make a face to exaggerate the emotion. Let it all be what it is! Express yourself authentically.
Step 4: Notice your mind. Notice if your thoughts are moving forward, backward or jumbling around. Imagine the thoughts are like glitter or dust and watch them settling to the bottom of a clear glass vase OR watch them flow down a river.
Lastly: Zoom out from your body like a bird getting perspective. Watch yourself with love and care as if you were watching a movie.
Practice 2: Gratitude Practice
Focus on hands on heart, and softening where you can. Smile slightly to activate the parasympathetic nervous system.
Name 1 person/animal/plant you can be genuinely friendly/benevolent with.
Name 1 person/animal/plant you can be genuinely compassionate toward for a hard situation they are in.
Name 1 person/animal/plant who or that brings simple joy to your face.
Name 1 person/animal/plant who or that makes you feel at peace.
Ultimately, acceptance is a practice
As with most things in life like balance or happiness or presence or even fulfillment, acceptance is a state of being that comes and goes like the waves in a tide. Today acceptance may flow easy and strong, giving you the grace to allow everything to be as it is. Other days, the tide of your emotional experiences may crash into you with an intensity that wraps you up in its current, swirling you around and around until you don’t know which way is up or which way is down.
Whether your inner ocean is as settled and easy to navigate as breathing, or the storms on your inner sea are rampant and raging - please know that both are allowed. There is no such thing as perfect acceptance. Every emotion and experience you have is valid.
As always, take what serves you and leave the rest. My words are here for you to adapt and use as you need, to reflect on and ponder on until you arrive at a definition and practice that feels right for you. Life is about practice and experimentation. It’s about accumulating the tools that support you as you navigate all there is to experience as an embodied human.
So personalize the work where it feels right and make it your own. Make acceptance your own, and practice being with the full spectrum of your emotions, the full spectrum of who you are. Allow your world to be as it is, and know that you are worthy of fulfillment no matter how challenging or uninspiring things might be right now.
Allow yourself to gently lower your body into your inner ocean, immerse yourself in the uniqueness and beauty of it, and experience what it means to be alive.